


Ship Talk

by citrusella



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Episode: s05e12 Jungle Moon, Gen, Heart-to-Heart, Light Angst, frank discussion of death, referenced temporary character death, set after Lars gets them back on the ship after that episode
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-13
Updated: 2018-12-13
Packaged: 2019-09-17 09:23:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,697
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16971954
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/citrusella/pseuds/citrusella
Summary: Lars and Steven share a moment on the Sun Incinerator.





	Ship Talk

**Author's Note:**

> Big thanks to [realfakedoors](https://archiveofourown.org/users/realfakedoors) for lots of edits and suggestions! (Also like 4 other people who looked it over but I have a headache right now and don't want to accidentally leave someone out or point out the wrong people so I'll verify and add later.)

"I don't want to go back just yet," Steven had said shortly after he and Connie had unfused.

He'd gone to stare out a window for a minute or two before Lars invited him to a room deeper in the ship. Connie could tell she wasn't supposed to follow.

Once Lars was certain no one was around, he sat and asked lowly, "Any particular reason you're choosing to spend any more time than necessary on this dead tin can?"

Steven cocked an eyebrow. "I thought you liked being a captain, with all that talk about being a cool pirate and stuff." He had a light happiness to his voice, but something about it seemed performative, like it wasn't the whole picture.

"I mean, it's got its highs, but I miss home, you know. Still wanna get there and all that." He shifted his position on whatever gem-tech-he-barely-understood that his butt was resting on. "And you still didn't answer my question. _I'm_ supposed to be the king of deflecting stuff, here, not you."

His smile crashed down, not unlike the Star Skipper onto the jungle moon. "I mean, I guess I just… I was starting to get scared we'd be stuck there? And that I'd pulled Connie into something she'd never get out of and it was all my fault and I don't know how to tell her mom and dad and I can't just go straight back through your hair and be back in distinguished-khakis, wrestling-ring, Buck's-dad-crashes-all-our-band-practices mode so fast."

"...Run that last one by me again?"

"I'll write it out for you later; it's not important right now." He crossed his arms, giving himself a slight hug. "On the outside, Stevonnie was all cool and brave and stuff, but I guess I was worried we might… die there, I guess. Either soon or eventually."

"Ugh, but if you died then I'd have to, like, _tell_ people once I got home… _if_ I got home…"

"Like I had to with you?"

Lars' eyes widened before narrowing—though out of some deep discomfort rather than malice. "...I don't like thinking about that. Besides, it's different. I didn't actually—I'm not—I don't _think_ of myself as dead." Yes. That was the best way to describe his current state of existence.

"But I still had to tell people. And 'he's technically alive' didn't really soften the blow. Well, it kinda did when I told Sadie. But not your parents."

Lars… couldn't give that a response. Steven was right. He stared at the dark metallic floor and silently wished Steven was right just a little less of the time. He didn't have much time to dwell on that when Steven spoke up again, though.

"If I'm being honest, part of me is still dealing with what happened."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, okay, so—I guess—" he sighed, "I don't know. Like… I feel like everything that happened was just yesterday. You were, like, tired and hungry and dirty, but you fought anyway. I," he let out his signature chuckle, though it sounded overcast rather than his usual sunny, "remember doing that thing where I put my hand on your chest and you were so scared that I could feel your heart beating and… and now you don't do any of that anymore."

"I mean, like, I guess you still get scared," Lars scoffed at Steven's matter of fact assessment, but—once again—he was right, "but I've never seen you tired or hungry since then. Your heart doesn't beat that hard. You even look a little cleaner, I guess."

"Gee. Thanks, Steven."

"You know what I mean. A _part_ of you is dead even if _you're_ not. And even if that wasn't true, it still happened, anyway. Even if you were completely alive, I'd still remember—" He started to move his hands haphazardly, trying to get across the gesture of cradling the older boy in his lap, but before he could settle on a position, his hands seemed to falter and fall to his sides, seemingly taking the rest of the sentence with them, his mouth closing as he looked down.

"Steven…"

"—I didn't think you were going to come back. I didn't even know I could do that—bring you back, I mean. I just thought you were gone and I was on Homeworld all alone—well, I guess the others were there but I wasn't thinking about that right then—and I had no way to get home—"

"Ste—"

"—and it would have been all my fault and I still feel like it was all my fault because I'm the whole reason Aquamarine even wanted to capture you in the first place and if you'd never been on Homeworld all that stuff wouldn't have happened and…"

" _Steven!_ "

Lars' shout took the boy aback and stopped him talking. The two looked to each other in silence, the younger embarrassed enough to have had the ramble knocked out of him, the older never having been much of one for this emotional conversation kind of thing. Still, one had to eventually speak up again, and apparently, that ended up being Lars.

"I get it. You blamed yourself for what happened to me, and you thought you were gonna have to blame yourself for the same thing happening to Connie."

Steven's face flinched, almost imperceptibly, but he nodded in affirmation.

"But you should talk about it more so it doesn't all explode out like you did just now."

Steven's eyes widened, the boy looking scared to, of all things, admit he was more scared than he let on. "I don't really feel like—"

"You told me you were scared when we were stuck in those Topazes before we got to Homeworld. And you have that whole issue with the Diamonds wanting you dead or whatever. Even back when you were just fighting those monsters and I was just working at the Big Donut. I mean, I didn't think you were scared then, but looking back, you must be scared, like, all the time."

Steven couldn't give that a response. Lars was right. He thought, briefly, on how Lars seemed to be doing that more and more often, but he didn't have much time to dwell on that when Lars spoke up again.

"But every time, you just try to focus on everyone else. You just said all that stuff about being scared when I died but all I remember after I woke up is how you jumped back into helping people—how—how you were so ready to put all the focus on _me_."

"Lars, people are _supposed_ to focus on you when you die."

The space pirate gave a quiet huff, wondering if he should even share his immediate internal response, but his brain seemed to decide for him, the words coming out before he could give it a second thought. "Like…" strike that, he could pause long enough to keep from cursing in front of the kid, "heck, they are. I mean, I know there are people in Beach City who care about me, but it always seemed like whenever I thought about what might happen if I died, 'people focusing on me' was never in the mix..."

Steven's face contorted into an expression that could only be described as I-care-about-you-and-I-want to-comfort-and/or-apologize-to-you-but-I-also-don't-want-to-pry. "...Lars."

"Steven. It's fine. ... _I'm_ fine. It's weird, I guess you're right about a part of me dying that day… but I ain't complaining. I almost feel… better now? Maybe… I was _supposed_ to die. Like—" Lars noted his explanation was _not_ helping Steven's expression, "okay, _not like that_ —but—okay, look, I could have died anytime, on Earth. Like anyone could've. And it would have just… happened. I could have just been gone, and left my parents behind, and left you and Sadie and everyone, and never gotten to tell you guys anything I wanted to say—but I didn't. I died on a faraway planet, with you. And I lived. And I got a second chance. And now I'm doing things I never thought I would, like leading a spaceship, sneaking into parties—and not, like, teen parties, but these…" he gestured aimlessly with his right hand, "super diplomatic ones, telling off Emerald. Old me never would have done that. And it's because of you. I could have been dead and in the ground—and maybe _some_ part of me actually _is_ buried on Homeworld. Metaphorically or whatever. I dunno. But look. I'm still here. And I can't just freeze up anymore. Not if I wanna get home." He started to lean back before remembering he wasn't sitting on an actual chair, then continued.

"It's _okay_ to be afraid."

Lars knew that Steven knew this. Steven knew that Lars knew that Steven knew this. They both knew it was what Steven needed to hear. Maybe what they both needed to hear?

"And it's okay to talk about it." Lars covered his mouth when that came out, like he wasn't sure what had suddenly possessed him and used the opportunity to flap his mouth, because he certainly wasn't smart enough to say something like that, even if there was a remote chance it was right. Right?

However ambivalent Lars was about his sudden spurt of apparent wisdom, Steven didn't seem to notice. In fact, when Lars looked, he saw what seemed like the first smile he'd seen Steven crack since he and the Off Colors had rescued Stevonnie.

"You're right." Lars' eyes widened at Steven's quiet, plain response.

"I am? I mean—I am!" He put his hands on his hips, trying to exude a strong, confident facade.

Steven chuckled and walked forward to give Lars a hug. Lars hopped off his perch to return it.

Lars looked down into Steven's face as they pulled apart. "You think you're ready to go now?"

"Yeah. Thanks for talking with me."

"Anytime. Well, anytime I'm not fighting intergalactic aliens. And a few times when I am." Steven looked up warmly to Lars, who sheepishly looked back in turn, as they walked back to the bridge. "Now let's get you home. You and your girlfriend need a shave."


End file.
